After much deliberation about whether or not the repercussions of not having sex with Matt would be worse than having to endure it I decided that I would put my foot down and say no physical contact.
Why would I want to give my body to someone that I cannot run today and I trust my heart with.
The cycle was very cyclical and that he would be nice and very levelheaded when he knew he wanted to have sex. Then afterwards inevitably things would get bad the meanness would return. This has been the pattern over and over and over again.
Last night after the Bible study devotion he commented that we should go to counseling. I rebutted and said that it is not a marriage issue that it is a an abuse issue. When was I emotionally abusive today he said.
In Sunday school the lady commented that she had read an article about her boys being able in order to look at a real woman she let her boys see her naked body on occasion so that they would have a true vision of what a real woman would look like as they got older. So that they could see her fat jiggling… then Matt humorously interjected and said yeah we have that at our house too.
Everyone in the room made the sound like, “Oh like you shouldn’t have said that.”
And I did I laugh because it does happen however he should not make humor out of a situation at my expense. This is happened all too often. In fact my sister did not speak to me or my family for almost six months because of Matt’s insensitivity and the way that he made fun of people. When we finally talked about why it was that she would not return my calls or let the kids play together, she finally was forthcoming and told me the reasons. She said her kids didn’t like coming over because of the way Matt yelled at them. And she didn’t like being around him because he was just plain inconsiderate of others feelings.
That really made me angry. I realized that I wasn’t the only one that was suffering because of his behavior and I wasn’t keeping it hidden like I thought I was.
So back to last night. I again told him that for years I asked him to go to counseling with me. He refused. And one comment that he made during that time was, “sure I’ll go to counseling with you maybe it will help you”. I used to laugh about that but now that I have become more keenly aware of narcissism and manipulation I realize that it is not funny at all. I have continued to work on myself through counseling reading books Bible studies etc. and I do feel that I have changed and grown spiritually. Last night I told him so. And he made fun of my comment with some snide remark and then said “I don’t think you’ve changed at all. If anything you’ve just gotten meaner”.
The conversation began to run in circles and I started to become frazzled and I told him that we were speaking in circles and that I was no longer going to engage in the conversation. He kept pressing. He said one last question one last question. So since you are a changed and have fixed yourself it’s all my fault right. Go ahead and say it it’s all my fault isn’t it. I remain silent.