About the Payback

I’ve been thinking about the episode from last night.

Last week when I looked at our checking accounts, I discovered that Matt was in the hole $179. Most of the charges were for fast food but there was one $40 charge that looked peculiar so I called the 800 number on it and it was to an online sex shop… One that he has ordered items from in the past. He will introduce the toys in bed and then shortly thereafter will say things such as, “we don’t need that kind of stuff around the house for the kids to find so I’m going to throw it away”. This has happened several times. I find it an unwise use of money to buy things such as that and then just throw them away. Not that I want to keep them but I would rather they not be purchased at all. When he was working he would have the shipments delivered to his office. This time it came to our home on Saturday. When the post man delivered it he snatched it out of my hands and said that’s mine. Since I knew what it was I didn’t ask any questions. After it was unpackaged I found the items under the mattress and proceeded to remove them. Sunday night when I came to bed at little after 10 he asked what I did with his things under the mattress. I said that I got rid of them.
Then he asked no sex tonight?
No was my reply.
Many times when he is refused sex, he gets angry.

And then the questioning proceeded. Asking, what time did you take them, where did you put them? I responded by saying that it didn’t matter and that they were gone. He refused to accept that for an answer and kept asking what I did with them. After about 10 minutes I finally said that I was finished with this conversation and there was nothing else to discuss. He continued and I left and went upstairs to sleep and my daughter’s bed.

He followed me.
And the badgering began.

Why I still engaged in conversation with him I will never know. I should know better by now. Like usual he would talk and talk and talk and talk until something really hurt me then I would try to rebut. It is a losing effort.

We did not have a good day on Sunday. After we got home from church he was very grumpy. His friend was over helping him install the bathroom sink and while his friend was working Matt came into where I was and tried to have an in-depth conversation about our financial situation. I told him it was not an appropriate time to talk about that and that we would talk about it later.

He got what I call the crazy look and continued to press me. I caved. I broke down and started crying and left.

About the financial situation… He told me that he was going to need $1,500 back of what he had previously given me to cover the concrete work. But now it had changed to the full $2,700 that he was demanding. I had already written a check for a credit card payment of $2,500 on Friday and wasn’t sure how I was going to finagle this.

I ended up putting a stop pay on my check and did not make my payment in order to transfer the money to Matt’s account.

A situation so simple that could have been handled civilly turned in to a major explosion.

There were so many hateful words exchanged.
He told me that I just don’t care.
My response was, “you’re right, I don’t”.
When he discovered that I knew about the sex shop charge last week he asked why I had to be chicken about it and not ask him about it but instead took his merchandise. “Why did you have to be so chicken? Huh? Why do you have to be so chicken? Oh that’s what made you so angry is that you found about that that’s why you been in such a bad mood”.

My response is that I’m not angry just disgusted. The behavior repeats and repeats and repeats.

I gave him another example from the week when he prepared food for himself but did not feed the children and how I found that selfish. His argument is always that everybody makes mistakes and it only happened one time that I should be forgiving. But the real story is that it happens very often and that he is often selfish, this is yet just another example.

He kept saying you’re going to get your wish. You’ll get your wish. Everything that you’ve been wishing for you’re going to get.

I asked him that he if he was so miserable and disliked me so much, why didn’t he just let me leave when I moved out instead of lying his way back into a relationship.

His response was unbelievable:
Because I thought you would change.

I had to remind him that I was the one that moved out and left him because of the way that he has treated me over the years.

And it’s not just the words that are hurtful. It’s the tone in which they’re said and the manner in which they are said.

At one point I asked him to just please leave the room so that I could go to sleep. He responded by saying oh I’m depriving you of sleep aren’t I? That’s abuse isn’t it? Sleep deprivation, right? Well why don’t you go ahead and document that write it down so that you can pin that against me?

Then our oldest daughter walked in the room and spouted off, “oh I will, because you’re keeping me up too”.

There was a bunch more said but the bottom line is that
1) he was denied sex so he became angry.
2) that I challenged him on something he had done that was inappropriate so he became angry.

It is virtually impossible to communicate with him about anything that is concerning to me, as he gets defensive and then turns the attack back on me.

It’s so heartbreaking.

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