Winter Jam

Well there was one day, almost two of peace in the house. I never know what is going to set him off.

What started it last light…
Rewind to last summer when we went to a TobyMac and LaCrae concert. That was about the sixth time we had been to see TobyMac. Of the times that Matt has gone he has sat in the chair acting like he’s not having a good time. Last year when we went I remember specifically telling my coworkers how Matt would be at the concert… Sitting down, one leg crossed over the other knee and acting disengaged and uninterested. And my prediction was correct down to the body posture.

So Winter Jam is coming up and the kids of course want to go. And so do I. At dinner I said that for my high of the day (when we eat as a family we go around the table and say the ‘high’ or best part of our day and our ‘low’ the worst part of our day) was that I found out that Winter Jam is on a Saturday this year.

Later in the evening he asked what date Winter Jam was on. I was very slow to respond. And then he said, “I don’t get to go, do I?”

I responded by saying that I would rather he not because last time he did not participate and even left the show early to pull up the truck for us (underlying motive was to leave the concert early but makes it look like he’s doing us a favor).

Amongst all of the hateful things that were said over the course of two hours of badgering, he of course turned it around on me saying, “maybe I don’t have a good time because you’re no fun to be around.” Okay perfect! All the more reason not to go! I mean really, why would you want to be around someone who is a drag to be around, right?!

He just continued and continued and continued to make it out that I was the hateful one for not wanting him to go. He keeps going and going and going and going until I am completely worn down to absolutely nothing or so angry that I explode.

Even Ella told him last night to just stop it. She said, “look at you, your face is red, you’re yelling, your veins are pooping out. Just stop it, dad.”

As the saying goes, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. I tried to get him to understand that my actions are a result of his behavior..consequences for his actions. I asked “what would have happened if you would have been engaged and participated in the evening at the concerts in the past? We would not even be having this conversation?”.

I once again reiterated the divorce was inevitable because the behaviors have not changed in a decade. After he calmed down he finally did ask. How much time he had.

That was after I read some of the highlighted stuff from the Why Does He Do That book. He did ask to say a prayer with me last night (after asking me to put that hateful book down and let a prayer to God be the last thing that I have in my mind before going to bed….I refused) and in his prayer acknowledged that many of the things in the book are things that he was guilty of doing. However he still takes no responsibility. And asked God to deliver US from the situation WE’re in.

When I confront him about a grievance I have he says that he can’t take full responsibility for it and that I am to blame also and that he is not the only one that needs to change. I told him that for years I listened to the counsel of people at our old church to just pray more, work on myself and concentrate on me. Basically, let him steamroll me. I told him the days of me letting him run all over me are over and that I am going to bring up issues as they arise that I have let go on for far too long and that I am going to point out the techniques and methods that he does that I find manipulative or controlling. And it is exhausting being married to him because of it.

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