This can’t happen again

Jan. 26, 2015 on the phone while I was at work. I am in close proximity to others so I can rarely talk while I’m at work except for the occasional uh-huh or OK.

After telling me more about his friend’s situation at his family’s business and how he charged a very wealthy client exorbitant amounts of money last year when he was at his worst, he went on to say that Marc is delusional. “He is delusional. It’s not like yesterday when I was standing in the pantry and you were standing at the sink wretching and crying. I was thinking, “this is bad”. I wasn’t thinking, “Oh, that’s what she gets for making me so miserable.” That’s not what I was thinking. We just can’t have another day like that.

Something’s got to give.

You can’t go through another day of having five or so periods like you did yesterday. And I can’t go through another day of living in fear.

I haven’t lied yet.

Here is the trap I get caught in. I tell myself that I’m doing stuff to please you or help you. I’m a husband, and a contributor, therefore, it’s not me helping you out, it’s me doing stuff that a husband is supposed to do. But what I want is to do stuff to please you. I put too much weight on your approval. If I don’t get verification of your approval then I know that it’s not gonna be easy between us. And I could go one step further and say that when you’re not pleased then we don’t make love and I don’t get sss. But the flip side is that whenever you’re pleased with me, and I with you, ideally then things could go well. But I know the reality is that I should be getting what I need from the Almighty. We can’t have another day like yesterday where I seek to be justified.

That’s what the answer is. But how I get to that place…I don’t know.
I don’t know how you’re going to see Jesus in me. I don’t know if it is possible. I mean it is possible. But I don’t know how that is going to show up or what that looks like. When you see a glimpse of it, you don’t believe it if it doesn’t last.

I get it. I do get it. I understand.

I don’t know how God is going to show up in all this.

I fell into the same pattern yesterday that I always do. It’s the same ole story.”

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